You can never go home again

Its been quite awhile since I've written. Part of that was due to a two week trip to the US in November. The main reason for going was to be at the wedding of a good college friend of mine in St. Louis. But I combined this with a trip back "home" to Washington D.C., my home from 2005-2007, and to my real home, Sheboygan. It was a busy two weeks, but I enjoyed myself. M didn't come with, mostly because of time and money, but also that I was in the wedding too, and he'd be bored most of the time, as we were doing girl things. It was good to go back and visit with some good friends, eat some good food (mostly unhealthy!), and see my family again. Having gone to the US right after the election, and only hearing pro-Obama things here in Holland, I was a bit taken aback at the reality of the situation is certain places of the country. But, I suppose it was good to get a reality check. As my dad said, "you've been in Europe too long" (in an effort to add some humor/cheer me up). Its only been 2 years, have I changed that much? No, I think I was already this way before: open to new things and ideas, concerned for people's civil rights and human rights, concerned for the environment, and concerned about the current reputation of the US around the world and our lack of international cooperation (and common sense). When I heard some of the things I did while in the US, I was both shocked and scared. Its quite sad there there are people so close-minded, and it was a good reminder to me of, despite my complaints about Holland, that people really are better off here. It may be "absolute anarchy" in Amsterdam, as Bill O'Reilly so kindly put it on FOX News this past week, on the culture problems the Dutch have (um, ok). So many coffee-shops (not really), the red-light district (its regulated and in a small area only), and everyone distrespects the 'baby Jesus'....Well, despite the often bad manners I see here, things aren't all that bad (I suppose). There may be a lot of rules, but the government is around to regulate and take care of its citizens. Taxes may be higher here, but there are programs and organizations to take care of everyone and everything. Whether you are sick, unemployed, homeless, poor....there are ways to help. I will pay higher taxes to help others. I may have no choice (except to leave), but I will do it. Transportation is loads better. I don't have ot own a car here at all. It not only helps the environment, it also saves me tons of money. I can afford to actually save money here, unlike my situation while living in DC. And while I can see that this probably would never work in such a big country as the US, its really disturbing how people react to ideas and ways of life that are different than their own. As much as I want to move back to the US, because of being closer to my family and friends, as well as the familiarity of it all, I really scared myself thinking of not coming back (right away).

Usually I go home for the holidays, and this time was different. It was not only an eye-opening visit. But it was also the last time that physically will be going "home" to my house that I grew up in. My parents are moving over the next few months to a house they built 30 miles outside of Sheboygan. While it is a nice house on a lake in the quiet countryside, its not 'home' to me. This was the last time I slept in my bedroom that I grew up in, where I played as a kid, listened to my parents read me bedtime stories, hid under my pillow so I wouldn't see the lightning in summer, or the bright glow of orange sneaking into my room from the reflection of the streetlights off the snow in winter, and the excitement of knowing when I would wake up the next day, it would be Christmas morning. Never again, will I have the possibility to go back to this room after coming home for a visit. Its very difficult for me to accept that I cannot go home again. Growing older is not easy: to do or to accept.

Since the US, I have been working and finishing off Dutch lessons. After 1.5 years, I've had enough. I do not want to come home at 1030pm anymore. I get the most stressed out when I do not have time for myself to do what I want to do (or do nothing at all). But working full time and going to school 6 hours a week is tough. And while I finished on the 2nd of December, the real apogee of my entire "life" in Holland arrived this week. How integrated am I really? I took the Dutch national language test, otherwise known as the staatsexam. It consists of 4 parts: reading, writing, listening, and speaking. If you pass them all, you get a diploma saying you are 'fluent' in Dutch, and you are allowed to follow courses/programs at the university level. Unfortunately they only offer it during the daytime (in typical Dutch unhelpful fashion), so I had to take 2 days off of work for this...when it could have been offered within one day ---or at night. Anyways, I will know in 5 weeks if I passed or not. And while the diploma may say I'm fluent, I really don't think I am. I can converse in simply constructed sentences, but I can follow a conversation if I'm actually paying attention. And I know how to take tests well. I was the only westerner at these exams, and there was an over-representation of women. Only 2 of 20 people at today's test were guys. And I recognized no one from my classes at the local ROC school. So, in 5 weeks, we'll see if I'm really integrated enough into Dutch society. But all I had to do was go back to my home country for 2 weeks to know that I might not belong there either anymore.