Learning to Let go

As the summer is coming to an end and September rolls in, the usual feelings I get of starting a-new come back to me yet again. I am sure it is because for 19 years, September meant the start of a new school year. Saying goodbye to the old, and hello to the new. One (school) year older, one (school) year wiser...even though only 3 months of summer had just passed, I was transformed into my new identity of... a 1st grader, a high school freshman, or a college senior.
One major part of my life is coming to end now too. And while I am (very) happy to move on, I'm still very worried about what is out there - the unknown... or the fact that nothing is out there yet. Thankfully I have important people in my life that still support me and hold me up, like my husband, my family, and my friends. But it is still in my nature to get down and upset about things.

I quit my job, after exactly one year of working here. Friday is my last day. Its very obvious (both to me and my employer) that I am underemployed. I need something more to challenge myself, to grow...and to do something I'm interested in doing. It was also a difficult year here because of the work environment I was in. My contract was coming to an end at the end of Aug, and instead of renewing, I decided to let it expire and not renew. However, despite my continual searching for jobs for the past 8 months, nothing has happened yet. First of all, its hard to find things I'm qualified for...but then I have gotten responses I'm either overqualified or that I don't have enough experience. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground here. And the fact that I am not fluent in Dutch is obviously a major issue to breaking through to a more professional level job that I am searching for, that I would be happy in and that would help my career. I am very worried how my work choices here in the present will affect me later whenever I go back to the US. I've recently had a few interviews, but nothing has panned out yet.

So I have been struggling(mentally/emotionally) in recent weeks since coming back to the NL. After the 'high' of being home, of getting married, seeing family/friends again, of traveling out west...I came back to the reality of my job situation in mid-July. I have to learn to let go. I want to be in control of things, of my own destiny. I want to live a certain lifestyle that requires a double household income. I want to travel while I am living in Europe and have the vacation days to do so. But that requires money. I do want to move back to the US at some point, but not now. I realized this this past weekend. When the real fact of the matter hit me, that 'what if i don't get a job here and have to move back?' question, I really was upset about this. I do not want to move back yet. I want to move back under my own initiative. I do not want to be forced back due to the fact that I need to find a job. But I have to learn to let go, and whatever happens, happens. I will try my best to succeed, and if it doesn't work out that way, then that's all I can do. But on the other hand, I think I am succeeding in the fact that I am getting out of this place. That is a step in the right direction and towards a better future.

Also, I have been going through many work emails in my inbox this week, working on deleting things I haven't deleted yet over the last year. I've held on to some of them, because they were such strong examples of what was wrong here with this group and this organization. When I read over some of them yesterday, I got really upset again. The struggles of this past year are always on my mind here, 8.5 hours a day...plus probably several hours at home too. But I have to learn to it let go. It seems though, as the end is getting nearer, I'm still upset! I should be extatic about leaving, yet as I'm on my way out, all the problems of this past year are being revisited, as sort of a 'yearbook' of memories! But--Friday will be the end of it here. Monday I can start over again. I will wake up in the morning and NOT have to get on the 755am train to Amsterdam. I will not have to deal with these problems of the last year. After Friday it doesnt matter any more. I will be moving on...and those I've left behind will still be here...for awhile, I'm sure. I feel sorry for them.

I will have to work hard to unlearn the things I've experienced (or not experienced) here. But I can take these experiences and learn from them and how to avoid them in the future. I will really have to learn to let go of my bitterness and frustration... and move forward. The lack of respect that I received here: I will not take that anymore, and the next place will be better. After one week of freedom at home, I will feel better and refreshed and ready to move forward.