Get off of me!

Not to be a 'Debbie Downer' or anything, but I had a bit of a interesting experience, yet again basketball related...as I dwelled on my actions, I came to an interesting conclusion.

Monday night I played again on M's team in a student league. A player on the other team was a little over aggressive and I think a little over the top. At one point in the first half, I grabbed a rebound and waited for everyone to clear out before I started dribbling out. Well, this player was all over me, smothering me to try to get the ball. In a normal game with real refs, they would have (should have) called a reaching foul. Normally I would not say anything out loud, but this guy was really irritating me. And, as I'm probably a little too overly competitive and too hard on myself, in a burst of frustration as I was pivoting back and forth trying to get this guy off of me (I couldn't dribble to get away from him because he was all over me), I screamed out "Get OFF of ME!!" I was really ticked off! And I think I surprised or scared him so much that he did immediately get off of me. It felt really good to yell. But immediately afterwards, I felt rather embarrassed, as it was a little over the top for me to do that, especially at this level of student play. The game doesn't even matter. And its not like I'm thinking he should treat me differently because I'm a girl player...that's stupid...I just wanted him to get the heck off of me!

In the end, we won by a few points, but in the few times I actually did get the ball, I missed four shots, 2 of which were super easy. I am very hard on myself. I left for the locker room without even talking to the others on my team. I was ticked for missing the shot in the last minute, and I was upset at myself for screaming at the other guy. As I sat outside alone waiting for M to 'hit the showers'...I thought that perhaps this outburst at one guy, was representative of my experience as a whole right now with 'the Dutch'...if I can generalize it so. I feel extremely smothered at times, and extremely belittled by a few select people who don't even know me...where I am immediately put 'back in my place' as someone who is different and not equal. Of course, even after yelling, I realized that by screaming in English, I was immediately recognized as an outsider and not 'normal'...as the Dutch really thrive on having everyone 'act normal' and on the same level. I don't think I'm very often my full, real self when I am around people other than M (or maybe his friends or my one friend too), as I don't feel I can when I'm talking to someone new, which doesn't happen often anyways. I can't use the slang or sarcastic sense of humor that I usually speak with in the US, because its not really always understood here (unless I am talking to someone who is good with English). I just want everyone to get off my back, and get off my case about integration! Is that always the only thing it can be, integrate or not? I want to be myself. But how can I if I am supposed to "integrate" to their ways? Integration is always the first question topic no matter what...if not "where are you from?" Either way, both questions establish that you are not from here.

How am I supposed to make friends here? At this age, people are out of school and not as big into drinking and socializing with new people...they have jobs and partners and perhaps kids (there are older members in the basketball club I'm going to join). They have their established friends, and don't really open up to new people more than an acquaintance level.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and I should just shut up.

In any case, it was a nice release to scream out loud like that...I know I have to not care as much about what other people say about integrating or speaking the language. But I do care, and I don't know why I am this way. My emotions are stored up til there is a big outburst. Too bad one player had to be the brunt of my screams towards the population as a whole! That is...if you accept my in-depth analysis of what my outburst really was.

Maybe I just wanted the guy to get off of me.